Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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