These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
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I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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