Someone shit on the floor
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
