Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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