I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
