if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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