Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My butt remains clenched, sir.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
