I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
