I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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