I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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