I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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