I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
