wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
