Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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