The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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