I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
