did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
