So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
