Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
