im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
