i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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