my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How does it feel to date your dad?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
