At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
