Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
