one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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