I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
