i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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