Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
