Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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