God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
