Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
