Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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