she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
