I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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