Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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