Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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