Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
