She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
