Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
