I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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