I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
