This is not my ceiling
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
