So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
this beer tastes like vomit already
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
