Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
