i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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