Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
