worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
