I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
