Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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