we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
