The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this