This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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