You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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