you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
