the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
