hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
