I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
