She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
