I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
